Surgeon General: Americans Have Gigantic Fat Asses

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LONDON–An elaborate, 155-year-old hoax was revealed Monday, when the Royal Astronomical Society confessed that the planet Neptune does not exist. "It appears to have begun in 1846, when Johann Galle needed a big discovery to give his career a jump-start, so he fabricated this new planet," said Royal Astronomical Society president N.O. Weiss. "Ever since, every astronomer who's wanted some attention has come up with some new report on 'Neptune' and made up some rubbish to support it. I swear, we meant to come clean eventually, but the whole thing just kind of snowballed."

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You Hurt Me Just Now When You Hit Me With That Shovel

We've known each other for a long time now, and I think you know I'd never try to stop you from expressing what you feel. But I also have to express what I'm feeling, and what I'm feeling is hurt. Badly. I just want you to know that you really hurt me when you hit me in the face with that shovel.

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I Have Been Too Generous With My Gum

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Everything Better Now In Oklahoma City

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK–Timothy McVeigh's death by lethal injection Monday has made everything perfect in Oklahoma City, his 168 victims' loved ones describing themselves as feeling "100 percent better." "I just know my baby girl is up there in heaven, smiling down on this execution, happy as can be," said a beaming George Browne, whose 7-year-old daughter Brianna died in the 1995 federal-building blast. "Her death is avenged, and everything's great." Said Oklahoma City schoolteacher Sherrie Olsacher, 37, who was blinded in the bombing: "You can't imagine how healing this is. My eyesight's even returned." Moments after McVeigh was pronounced dead, 168 white doves were seen soaring over the city, racing toward a suddenly cloudless horizon that beckoned the dawn of a glorious new day.
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Surgeon General: Americans Have Gigantic Fat Asses

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report released Monday by the Surgeon General's office, 67 percent of U.S. citizens have gigantic fat asses, with that number projected to climb significantly in the next decade.

Wellness Watch

The report is the latest in a string of dire findings from Surgeon General David Satcher concerning the high percentage of Americans who suffer from fatness of ass.

"The state of the American derriere has reached crisis proportions," Satcher said. "Without immediate steps to rectify this problem, we can only foresee even more hideously huge backsides as we continue to blimp out into the 21st century."

The strongly worded report, in which Americans are alternately described as "porkers," "wide loads," and "friggin' whales," attributes the fat asses primarily to poor eating habits, with diets heavy on sugar, starches, and saturated fats. It also cites Americans' lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyles as factors in the trend toward "huge bucket-butts."

In addition, the report found that roughly 185 million Americans are "flab-ass flabbos who couldn't say no to a candy bar if their fat, stupid lives depended on it." It went on to warn that those with "gargantuan, sun-blocking rear ends" stand at greater risk of conditions ranging from heart disease to hideousness.

The Surgeon General said the solution to the national health crisis lies in obese citizens "somehow dredging up the shred of dignity needed to drag their rotund, repellent posteriors to a gym, for Christ's sake." He also encouraged those with American Fat-Ass Syndrome, or AFAS, to "lay off the sour-cream-and-chive Ruffles."

One of the 185 million fat asses that dot the American landscape.

The report has provoked outrage among the public at large.

"Okay, so we could all stand to lose a few pounds, but I don't see the need for such insulting language," said Nancy Goode, 48, a morbidly obese St. Cloud, MN, housewife with diabetes, knee problems, and an ass so ludicrously huge it looks like some sort of mutant, land-bound dugong. "Besides, lots of people in this country are very slim and attractive. I see them on TV every day."

Experts say Goode's response is symptomatic of the severe denial inherent in most Americans' self-images.

"Because of what they see on television and in advertising, many Americans are convinced that the nation is largely populated with hot, hard-bodied models who consume nothing but Pepsi and Chee-tos," said Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson. "This notion, however, couldn't be further from the truth. All you need to do is look around to see that we are, in the main, grotesque, repulsive fat fucks who have long ago given up maintaining a mote of basic pride."

Though the alarmist tone of the report may come as a shock to Americans accustomed to the enormous asses of themselves and their neighbors, the rest of the world has long been aware of Americans' ovoid lower halves. This is apparent in the translations of various languages' popular slang terms for Americans, such as "two-sacks-of-suet-in-skirts," from Swedish; "bloated round-eye balloon-buttocks," from Mandarin Chinese; and "hideous, hellbound hippo-humans," from Swahili.

"The time has come for Americans to face the truth about our collective fat ass," Satcher said. "For too long, we have sat on our massive rump, mindlessly consuming 90 percent of the world's resources and growing steadily bigger by the decade. It's time to get off that fat ass and face the harsh reality of our enormous, distended, disgusting hind ends."

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