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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Surgeon General Recommends Twisting Head Far Enough Until You Hear Little Pop

WASHINGTON—Describing the act as small but incredibly satisfying, U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy urged all Americans Thursday to twist their head far enough until they hear a little pop. “We strongly advise everyone to pivot their head in one direction and just keep going until you hear a good crack,” said Murthy at a press conference, adding that citizens should not just stop there but to make sure to do the other side as well. “It might take a few tries, but you’ll definitely feel a solid pop when it happens. You can put your palm on the bottom of your chin in case you need a little extra push. We also recommend rolling your head around a bit afterward—get it nice and loose.” Murthy later advised Americans, once they’ve twisted their head, to crack all their knuckles one by one.

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