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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Surgeon General Recommends Twisting Head Far Enough Until You Hear Little Pop

WASHINGTON—Describing the act as small but incredibly satisfying, U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy urged all Americans Thursday to twist their head far enough until they hear a little pop. “We strongly advise everyone to pivot their head in one direction and just keep going until you hear a good crack,” said Murthy at a press conference, adding that citizens should not just stop there but to make sure to do the other side as well. “It might take a few tries, but you’ll definitely feel a solid pop when it happens. You can put your palm on the bottom of your chin in case you need a little extra push. We also recommend rolling your head around a bit afterward—get it nice and loose.” Murthy later advised Americans, once they’ve twisted their head, to crack all their knuckles one by one.

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