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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Surgeon General Warns Teens Cinnamon Challenge Is Not For Pussies

WASHINGTON—According to an announcement Tuesday by the Surgeon General’s office, the “cinnamon challenge”—a new fad in which teens attempt to swallow spoonfuls of cinnamon without water—may be hazardous to pansy-ass teens who aren’t cool enough to handle it. “Spice-induced choking and aspiration cases can result in coughing, vomiting, and, in severe cases, pneumonia when undertaken by a total pussy who clearly has never been laid,” said U.S. Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin, adding that lame little bitches who probably aren’t popular and will never be popular should refrain from inhaling powdered tree bark. “It is the recommendation of this office that if you’re not the type of person who will cry home to mommy because of a little toxic exposure to cinnamic aldehyde, you should take the challenge. Everyone else is doing it.” Benjamin went on to say, “Come on, it’ll be hilarious.”

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Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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