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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Surgeon General Warns Teens Cinnamon Challenge Is Not For Pussies

WASHINGTON—According to an announcement Tuesday by the Surgeon General’s office, the “cinnamon challenge”—a new fad in which teens attempt to swallow spoonfuls of cinnamon without water—may be hazardous to pansy-ass teens who aren’t cool enough to handle it. “Spice-induced choking and aspiration cases can result in coughing, vomiting, and, in severe cases, pneumonia when undertaken by a total pussy who clearly has never been laid,” said U.S. Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin, adding that lame little bitches who probably aren’t popular and will never be popular should refrain from inhaling powdered tree bark. “It is the recommendation of this office that if you’re not the type of person who will cry home to mommy because of a little toxic exposure to cinnamic aldehyde, you should take the challenge. Everyone else is doing it.” Benjamin went on to say, “Come on, it’ll be hilarious.”

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