adBlockCheck

Survey: Less Than One Percent Of Pedestrians Gots 50 Cent For The Bus

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Survey: Less Than One Percent Of Pedestrians Gots 50 Cent For The Bus

DETROIT–According to survey results released Monday by the American Panhandlers Association, less than one percent of U.S. pedestrians gots 50 cent for the bus.

"Despite the current economic boom, we found that the average man on the street don't got 50 cent to spare for the bus," said Nate Braxton, president of the Detroit-based APA, the nation's largest coalition of beggars, itinerants, and street loons. "Exactly why he don't got no change is puzzling. After all, given the robust state of the American economy, you'd think he got a little something extra to help a man get 'cross town."

In the survey, APA members in 15 major U.S. cities expressed their bus-fare needs to more than 2,700 pedestrians on the sidewalks of busy downtown areas, on park benches, and in the glass-enclosed entryways of McDonald's restaurants. In 99.7 percent of the cases, the pedestrian replied that they sorry, but they ain't got even a quarter.

"What up with that?" Braxton asked. "Wall Street havin' one of the biggest sustained bull markets in history, but ain't nobody got change so I can get to my job over on the West Side? Where all the money at?"

Ray-Ray, an APA researcher who manned a downtown Atlanta street corner for 120 hours in January, found that not only does virtually no one got 50 cent for the D line, man, ain't hardly nobody who can even spare a little change toward gettin' something to eat.

"I made it clear to the people I approached that I sure would appreciate whatever they got, even if it ain't much," Ray-Ray said. "I also made it clear that the money ain't for booze or no drugs. But still, no luck. Apparently, can't nobody help a fella out."

"If a man can't even scrounge up a little change for the bus," Ray-Ray continued, "what the odds he got enough money to get me to Cleveland or help pay for my baby's operation?"

According to experts, the dearth of spare change in Americans' pockets may be a troubling indicator of economic hardship to come.

"Much like during the Roaring '20s, Americans are living in the now, spending money as quickly as they earn it," said economist Randall Farber of the Wharton School of Business. "They got they fancy leather shoes and leather briefcase, but they ain't even got a haf dollar in cash to they name. With so few people budgeting with an eye toward the future, a collapse seems all but inevitable."

Despite the ominous economic forecast, Braxton said he is trying to focus on the positive.

"True, it nearly impossible to find a dude with 50 cent to spare," Braxton said, "but statistical data reveal that nearly three percent of pedestrians got between five and ten cent to go towards a new pair of shoes if the APA member's old ones shot, and that the average amount donated doubled when the member explain that the shoes needed so he could do the work this guy Ed Wilson lined up for him."

Pleased with the success of its research, if not the results, the APA will conduct another survey later this year concerning the alarmingly poor time-management skills of pedestrians.

"While attempting to collect demographic information from pedestrians in our study, such as where they from or where they headed, we discovered that very few Americans got a minute to come over and talk," Braxton said. "In fact, some were so rushed and time-stressed, they couldn't even spare a moment to acknowledge that we aksed them a question."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close