Survey: Less Than One Percent Of Pedestrians Gots 50 Cent For The Bus

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Vol 36 Issue 08

Real-Life Family Feud Offers No Fabulous Cash Prizes

LAS CRUCES, NM–Unlike the popular, long-running game show Family Feud, the real-life family feud among members of Las Cruces' DeCinces family does not offer contestants the chance to win exciting cash prizes. "When the hell are you gonna stop undermining every goddamn thing I say in front of the kids?" said Thomas DeCinces, 47, facing off against wife Brenda in the long-running feud, hosted neither by Richard Dawson nor the late Ray Combs. "Kevin and Amy think their father's a fucking joke, thanks to you. And you wonder why I'm out with the guys almost every night." Asked to name something her husband has given her during their 14-year marriage, Brenda said "heartache and misery." The response was the third most popular on the board behind "an alcohol problem" and "that six-inch scar on my throat."

Football Fan Disappointed By 'Super Tuesday'

ROCHESTER, NY–Robert Wychorski, a Rochester-area football fan, expressed disappointment in Super Tuesday, calling it "a pale shadow of Super Sunday." "Man, that completely blew," said Wychorski after watching four hours of Super Tuesday election coverage on CNN. "Where was the spectacular halftime show? Where were the clutch plays? And it wasn't even a close contest." Wychorski, who invited 15 friends over for a Super Tuesday party, said the biggest letdown was the commercials. "I was expecting to see some awesome new ads with special effects, but it was just the same old stuff," he said.

Ex-Marine Says This Rain Nothing

BESSEMER CITY, NC–According to area resident Larry Bohannon, 33, a member of the U.S. Marine Corps for seven years, this rain is nothing. "You call this rain? This ain't rain," Bohannon said to coworker Jeff Smalley, looking out the window of the Jiffy Lube where he now works. "I was stationed in the Philippines back in '93–they had tsunamis that ripped the palm trees right out of the ground." Continued Bohannon: "We'd do 400 push-ups every morning, even at the height of monsoon season. There'd be 50-foot waves crashing over us, but Sgt. Culpepper would make us keep going. Believe me, Jeff, you've never seen rain like that."

Fox Voluntarily Removes Reality From Programming

LOS ANGELES–Responding to public outcry over its controversial reality-based shows, Fox announced Monday that it is removing all reality from its programming. "We have heard the American TV viewer's dissatisfaction with reality and pledge never again to air any content that reflects it whatsoever," said Jonathan Quinlan, vice-president of programming for the embattled network. "From now on, Fox dramas and sitcoms will not contain any plotlines that are the least bit realistic, and such reality-based shows as Fox News At Nine will be canceled altogether." Quinlan noted that Ally McBeal will continue unchanged.

The Diallo Verdict

On Feb. 25, four NYPD officers were acquitted in the shooting of Amadou Diallo, a West African immigrant who died a year ago when he was shot 19 times after police mistook his wallet for a gun. What do you think of this controversial acquittal?

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Survey: Less Than One Percent Of Pedestrians Gots 50 Cent For The Bus

DETROIT–According to survey results released Monday by the American Panhandlers Association, less than one percent of U.S. pedestrians gots 50 cent for the bus.

"Despite the current economic boom, we found that the average man on the street don't got 50 cent to spare for the bus," said Nate Braxton, president of the Detroit-based APA, the nation's largest coalition of beggars, itinerants, and street loons. "Exactly why he don't got no change is puzzling. After all, given the robust state of the American economy, you'd think he got a little something extra to help a man get 'cross town."

In the survey, APA members in 15 major U.S. cities expressed their bus-fare needs to more than 2,700 pedestrians on the sidewalks of busy downtown areas, on park benches, and in the glass-enclosed entryways of McDonald's restaurants. In 99.7 percent of the cases, the pedestrian replied that they sorry, but they ain't got even a quarter.

"What up with that?" Braxton asked. "Wall Street havin' one of the biggest sustained bull markets in history, but ain't nobody got change so I can get to my job over on the West Side? Where all the money at?"

Ray-Ray, an APA researcher who manned a downtown Atlanta street corner for 120 hours in January, found that not only does virtually no one got 50 cent for the D line, man, ain't hardly nobody who can even spare a little change toward gettin' something to eat.

"I made it clear to the people I approached that I sure would appreciate whatever they got, even if it ain't much," Ray-Ray said. "I also made it clear that the money ain't for booze or no drugs. But still, no luck. Apparently, can't nobody help a fella out."

"If a man can't even scrounge up a little change for the bus," Ray-Ray continued, "what the odds he got enough money to get me to Cleveland or help pay for my baby's operation?"

According to experts, the dearth of spare change in Americans' pockets may be a troubling indicator of economic hardship to come.

"Much like during the Roaring '20s, Americans are living in the now, spending money as quickly as they earn it," said economist Randall Farber of the Wharton School of Business. "They got they fancy leather shoes and leather briefcase, but they ain't even got a haf dollar in cash to they name. With so few people budgeting with an eye toward the future, a collapse seems all but inevitable."

Despite the ominous economic forecast, Braxton said he is trying to focus on the positive.

"True, it nearly impossible to find a dude with 50 cent to spare," Braxton said, "but statistical data reveal that nearly three percent of pedestrians got between five and ten cent to go towards a new pair of shoes if the APA member's old ones shot, and that the average amount donated doubled when the member explain that the shoes needed so he could do the work this guy Ed Wilson lined up for him."

Pleased with the success of its research, if not the results, the APA will conduct another survey later this year concerning the alarmingly poor time-management skills of pedestrians.

"While attempting to collect demographic information from pedestrians in our study, such as where they from or where they headed, we discovered that very few Americans got a minute to come over and talk," Braxton said. "In fact, some were so rushed and time-stressed, they couldn't even spare a moment to acknowledge that we aksed them a question."

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