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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Surviving Members Of First Championship Team Honored During Puppy Bowl Halftime

NEW YORK—Slowly making their way out to midfield with the assistance of their owners, surviving members of the first Puppy Bowl championship team were honored at Animal Planet Stadium during Sunday’s Kitty Half-Time Show. “Tonight, we are proud to recognize the accomplishments of these iconic legends whose exceptional playfulness on the sport’s cutest stage paved the way for future generations of puppy players,” announcer Dan Schachner said before introducing the aging title-winners—several of whom are now blind or whose hind legs are supported by a wheelchair—and giving each dog a commemorative Puppy Bowl I chew toy. “Of course, no one will ever forget ‘The Fetch’—the defining moment of that first Puppy Bowl and arguably the most adorable play in puppy football history—when Cocoa sniffed out an opposing wagging-tailback in the barkfield, retrieved the plush ball, and took it all the way to the dog house. It is one of the greatest-ever touchdown frolics.” The halftime ceremony reportedly concluded with a special segment in memory of Jack Russell terrier Max, Puppy Bowl I’s Most Valuable Puppy, who was sadly put down in 2015 after battling heartworm for several years.

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