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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Surviving Members Of First Championship Team Honored During Puppy Bowl Halftime

NEW YORK—Slowly making their way out to midfield with the assistance of their owners, surviving members of the first Puppy Bowl championship team were honored at Animal Planet Stadium during Sunday’s Kitty Half-Time Show. “Tonight, we are proud to recognize the accomplishments of these iconic legends whose exceptional playfulness on the sport’s cutest stage paved the way for future generations of puppy players,” announcer Dan Schachner said before introducing the aging title-winners—several of whom are now blind or whose hind legs are supported by a wheelchair—and giving each dog a commemorative Puppy Bowl I chew toy. “Of course, no one will ever forget ‘The Fetch’—the defining moment of that first Puppy Bowl and arguably the most adorable play in puppy football history—when Cocoa sniffed out an opposing wagging-tailback in the barkfield, retrieved the plush ball, and took it all the way to the dog house. It is one of the greatest-ever touchdown frolics.” The halftime ceremony reportedly concluded with a special segment in memory of Jack Russell terrier Max, Puppy Bowl I’s Most Valuable Puppy, who was sadly put down in 2015 after battling heartworm for several years.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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