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Susan Sarandon Masturbated To For Old Time's Sake

ATHENS, GA—Though David Unger’s onanistic ritual has changed much over the past three decades, the 39-year-old copy editor told reporters Monday that he was “thrilled” to reconnect with someone he hadn’t used as masturbatory fodder in years: Academy Award–winning actress and perennial sex symbol Susan Sarandon.

“It was great to fantasize about Susan again,” said Unger, who had not fantasized about Sarandon since 1994, when she played a tough-but-sultry lawyer in The Client. “It just felt natural and right. Almost like I never stopped in the first place.”

Unger reflects on Sarandon during 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'

“She still looks absolutely amazing,” Unger continued. “Susan is just as sexy as the first time I climaxed thinking about her after that midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Maybe even sexier, if that’s possible. The years have been very good to her.”

Sarandon’s return to Unger’s masturbatory repertoire occurred shortly after he rented the 2007 film Mr. Woodcock. Though Unger admits he did not enjoy the movie, he said that Sarandon’s portrayal of an attractive, sexually active older woman reignited his long-dormant lust for the actress.

Besides providing him with his most gratifying self-pleasuring in recent memory, Unger said his latest bout of fantasies involving Sarandon have had the added benefit of transporting him back to a simpler, more innocent time in his life.

“It was just like being a teenager again, when I’d sneak into the den late at night to see Atlantic City on HBO,” Unger said. “I can’t tell you how many times I watched that scene where Susan squeezes lemons all over her naked body. That was at such a formative time for me, before I moved to Georgia, before I cut my hair—before I watched her go down on James Spader in White Palace.”

Though Unger was easily able to recall the halcyon days when Sarandon dominated his ejaculatory fantasies—especially the period following the 1983 release of The Hunger, which features Sarandon in a steamy vampiric lesbian sex scene—he was hard-pressed to remember what had caused him to stop masturbating to the celebrity in the first place.

“I was a lot shallower and more selfish in my youth,” Unger said. “In that respect, things with Susan are different now. I’m much more mature and able to appreciate an elegant, sensual woman like her.”

According to Unger, his return to Sarandon-fueled penile stimulation is, in part, a result of his deep respect for the actress, one that he said transcends her physical attractiveness.

While he admits to occasionally spending the night masturbating to a TV starlet or Bond girl, Unger said that Sarandon’s stellar personal qualities give her the “whole package” and help to alleviate many of the feelings of shallowness and post-ejaculatory guilt he has experienced in the past, most notably during the late 1990s, when he masturbated almost exclusively to Sarah Jessica Parker.

“Susan is a classy lady,” Unger said. “She’s a wonderful mother, she has a great relationship with Tim Robbins, and she’s active in several worthwhile charities. Simply put, she is a superlative human being.”

“And she has great tits,” Unger added.

Although Unger is ultimately glad he is once again masturbating to Sarandon after such a long hiatus, he admitted that he was left with some difficult questions about the years he spent manipulating his genitalia to thoughts of younger, flashier subjects, among them Jennifer Aniston, Lucy Liu, and, more recently, coworker Janine Carver.

“Reuniting with Susan made it hard not to think that fantasizing about all those other women was a waste of time,” Unger said. “Sure, I had my fun with Alias and Kelly Clarkson’s second album cover, but I have to wonder if I was just kidding myself. Then again, without the time apart from Susan, would the reunion have been as sweet? It’s hard to say.”

While it is yet to be seen whether Sarandon will return as a regular fixture in his masturbatory fantasies, for the time being Unger says he is content just purchasing Bull Durham on DVD and “taking it day by day.”

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