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Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference

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Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning

CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference

PASCO, WA—Having just arrested him on suspicion of aggravated assault and robbery, Pasco police officials dropped all charges against Carl Bradley, 46, after the man made multiple amusing references to The Rockford Files, a 1970s detective series starring James Garner. Just moments after Bradley asked whether the interrogating officer was working for "$200 a day, plus expenses," a roomful of officers began joyously exchanging plotlines and quotes from their favorite episodes. "It's just nice to meet a guy who appreciates The Files like we do," officer Brad Nuter said. "How could anyone who can recite every single answering-machine gag possibly have beaten two newlyweds with the butt of his gun over $30? This man has a code, just like Jimbo Rockford." Following Bradley's release, investigators detained a vagrant who was overheard misquoting the radio banter from the opening credit sequence of Adam-12.

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