adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference

PASCO, WA—Having just arrested him on suspicion of aggravated assault and robbery, Pasco police officials dropped all charges against Carl Bradley, 46, after the man made multiple amusing references to The Rockford Files, a 1970s detective series starring James Garner. Just moments after Bradley asked whether the interrogating officer was working for "$200 a day, plus expenses," a roomful of officers began joyously exchanging plotlines and quotes from their favorite episodes. "It's just nice to meet a guy who appreciates The Files like we do," officer Brad Nuter said. "How could anyone who can recite every single answering-machine gag possibly have beaten two newlyweds with the butt of his gun over $30? This man has a code, just like Jimbo Rockford." Following Bradley's release, investigators detained a vagrant who was overheard misquoting the radio banter from the opening credit sequence of Adam-12.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close