adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference

PASCO, WA—Having just arrested him on suspicion of aggravated assault and robbery, Pasco police officials dropped all charges against Carl Bradley, 46, after the man made multiple amusing references to The Rockford Files, a 1970s detective series starring James Garner. Just moments after Bradley asked whether the interrogating officer was working for "$200 a day, plus expenses," a roomful of officers began joyously exchanging plotlines and quotes from their favorite episodes. "It's just nice to meet a guy who appreciates The Files like we do," officer Brad Nuter said. "How could anyone who can recite every single answering-machine gag possibly have beaten two newlyweds with the butt of his gun over $30? This man has a code, just like Jimbo Rockford." Following Bradley's release, investigators detained a vagrant who was overheard misquoting the radio banter from the opening credit sequence of Adam-12.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close