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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Suspension Of Disbelief Goes Unrewarded

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Summoned in an effort to enjoy a two-hour feature film, 33-year-old Geoffrey Spalding's willing suspension of disbelief reportedly went unrewarded Saturday. "It wasn't easy, but I held up my end of the deal," Spalding said of the mental effort he put forth to accept the invented premises of a fictional world and temporarily disregard their implausibility. "What do I get in return? A thoughtful exploration of our inward nature transferred to an imaginative context? A semblance of truth confronted through a skillful narrative process? Nope, I don't get shit." Spalding added that if he could be enraptured by a rat who aspires to be a chef and a man who ages backward, then being entertained by a young ballet dancer discovering her dark side should have been a breeze.

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