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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Suspension Of Disbelief Goes Unrewarded

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Summoned in an effort to enjoy a two-hour feature film, 33-year-old Geoffrey Spalding's willing suspension of disbelief reportedly went unrewarded Saturday. "It wasn't easy, but I held up my end of the deal," Spalding said of the mental effort he put forth to accept the invented premises of a fictional world and temporarily disregard their implausibility. "What do I get in return? A thoughtful exploration of our inward nature transferred to an imaginative context? A semblance of truth confronted through a skillful narrative process? Nope, I don't get shit." Spalding added that if he could be enraptured by a rat who aspires to be a chef and a man who ages backward, then being entertained by a young ballet dancer discovering her dark side should have been a breeze.

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