adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sweat-Stain-Dating Technology Unlocks Age Of Assistant Managers

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Business archaeologists from the Northern Illinois College Of Applied Business Sciences have developed a sodium-dating technique they said will more accurately determine the age of the world's assistant managers. "A wavelength of light emitted by a special halogen desk lamp, when applied to the concentric yellowish rings on the underarms, collars, and loosened neckties of middle management, allows their age to be calculated to within seven years," said Professor Frank Winters, who admitted to testing the experimental procedure on himself. "The process is safe, reliable, and vital to our understanding of exactly how long this strange race has existed beside humans." Winters is working on predictive applications of the new technology that may be able to predict how long these evolutionary dead ends will survive in their current business environment.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close