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Sweat-Stain-Dating Technology Unlocks Age Of Assistant Managers

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Sweat-Stain-Dating Technology Unlocks Age Of Assistant Managers

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Business archaeologists from the Northern Illinois College Of Applied Business Sciences have developed a sodium-dating technique they said will more accurately determine the age of the world's assistant managers. "A wavelength of light emitted by a special halogen desk lamp, when applied to the concentric yellowish rings on the underarms, collars, and loosened neckties of middle management, allows their age to be calculated to within seven years," said Professor Frank Winters, who admitted to testing the experimental procedure on himself. "The process is safe, reliable, and vital to our understanding of exactly how long this strange race has existed beside humans." Winters is working on predictive applications of the new technology that may be able to predict how long these evolutionary dead ends will survive in their current business environment.

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