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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Sweating, Shaking Man Never Going To Spend A Little Time With His Thoughts Again

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Describing it as a harrowing ordeal that he "wouldn't wish on his worst enemy," badly shaken 39-year-old senior account manager Daniel Tillison told reporters Friday he would never again spend a few minutes alone with his thoughts. "My God, it was just awful—that's the last time I ever take a moment to myself to reflect," a profusely sweating Tillison said before unsteadily pouring a large glass of whiskey and drinking it down in a single gulp. "The worst part is, I actually did this to myself. I actually said, 'I think I'd like a little time alone to think about some things.' Then, for a few brief, horrible moments, I looked deep within myself and saw who I really was. It was honestly the scariest, most nauseating experience of my life." Tillison said that if he ever again found himself alone and without the distractions of music, the Internet, television, or video games, he would repeatedly hit himself in the head with the handiest large blunt object to prevent any sort of return to his own innermost thoughts.

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