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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation’s opioid crisis anytime he wants. “Getting these lethally addictive drugs into the hands of vulnerable communities across the country is just something I do from time to time for a little profit—I can drop it whenever I choose,” said Corrier, clawing at his sweat-drenched shirt as he insisted he could “quit in a heartbeat” if generating billions in revenue by misleading the public about the dangers of opioids ever got out of hand. “Sure, every now and then I’ll launch an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at getting doctors to overprescribe fentanyl sprays, but it’s honestly not a big deal. Seriously, it’s fine. Just because I’ll occasionally partake in making money off the devastation wrought by drugs hundreds of times more potent than morphine doesn’t mean it controls me.” At press time, Corrier had collapsed in a boardroom meeting and was choking on his own tongue after hearing the projected profit margins for a secondary medication used to treat opioid-related insomnia.

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