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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation’s opioid crisis anytime he wants. “Getting these lethally addictive drugs into the hands of vulnerable communities across the country is just something I do from time to time for a little profit—I can drop it whenever I choose,” said Corrier, clawing at his sweat-drenched shirt as he insisted he could “quit in a heartbeat” if generating billions in revenue by misleading the public about the dangers of opioids ever got out of hand. “Sure, every now and then I’ll launch an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at getting doctors to overprescribe fentanyl sprays, but it’s honestly not a big deal. Seriously, it’s fine. Just because I’ll occasionally partake in making money off the devastation wrought by drugs hundreds of times more potent than morphine doesn’t mean it controls me.” At press time, Corrier had collapsed in a boardroom meeting and was choking on his own tongue after hearing the projected profit margins for a secondary medication used to treat opioid-related insomnia.

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