adBlockCheck

Swift Boat Veterans Still Hounding Kerry

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Swift Boat Veterans Still Hounding Kerry

BOSTON—Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, a group that gained national prominence in the months before the 2004 election, announced Monday that it will continue its campaign "to set the record straight about John Kerry."

"Crossing The Line," an ad which claims Kerry wore street shoes on the lanes at a local bowling alley.

"We've made great progress in spreading the truth about John Kerry's treasonous past, but our job isn't over just because he lost the presidency," said John O'Neill, founding member of the Swift Vets and author of Unfit For The Community, a new book arguing that Kerry's Vietnam service record indicates that he would make a dangerous neighbor. "John Kerry is a threat to every American he comes in contact with, whether he's running for president, getting his oil changed, or going to a movie with his wife."

Although many expected the Swift Vets' campaign to end when Bush was re-elected, a spokesman for the group said its efforts have only begun.

"Just because that lying, cheating, opportunistic fraud from Massachusetts happened to be the Democratic presidential nominee, people assumed our efforts were politically motivated," said retired Rear Adm. Roy Hoffman, chairman of Swift Boat Veterans For Truth. "Well, Kerry's loss to George W. Bush does not undo the deeds of his youth."

Hoffman added: "We humble servants of truth will not stop until citizens are throwing garbage at John Kerry when they see him at the park."

At the center of the group's efforts is a $1.8 million television ad campaign that includes spots questioning Kerry's ability to make quick decisions in a fast-food line, leave adequate distance between his car and the next in heavy traffic, and take proper care of his lawn. The ads have run in heavy rotation throughout the Boston area since Kerry gave his concession speech Nov. 3, and local television affiliates confirmed that the group has purchased airtime through the summer of 2005.

In one ad, titled "Anything At All," former Navy gunner Andrew Elder addresses the camera while sitting in front of black-and-white, Vietnam-era photos of Kerry.

"John Kerry is a ruthless man who will do anything to get ahead," Elder says. "If he was willing to betray America to our Vietnamese enemies, can he really be trusted to sell you cookies at his church bake sale?"

Another ad, called "The Cheat," features first-hand testimony from Retired U.S. Navy Cpt. Charles Plumly.

"With my own eyes, I witnessed John Kerry cheating at poker," Plumly says in the ad. "If he's willing to cheat at card games in a war zone, what might he do while playing badminton at his next-door neighbor's barbecue?"

A third ad, called "War Criminal," uses silent video footage of a younger Kerry testifying before Congress, interspersed with recent footage of the senator waving to a crowd as he exits an airplane.

A Swift Boat Veterans For Truth ad questions Kerry's coffee-purchase record.

"Mr. Kerry accused his fellow soldiers in Vietnam of war crimes," a narrator says in the ad. "He claimed they cut off ears and heads, raped women, and killed young children. What lies might he make up about you if you happen to be seated next to him on an airplane?"

Although some viewers have criticized the Swift Boat ads as character assassination, many Americans said the organization has raised valid questions about Kerry's character.

"The vigilance and determination of groups like the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth are the only things that can protect us from the devious, traitorous tendencies that John Kerry demonstrated 35 years ago in the jungles of Vietnam," said Colin O'Flannery, a Massachusetts circuit-court judge. "If they stop now, just because George Bush won his reelection bid, Kerry will continue to threaten the sanctity of America well into his retirement."

Added O'Flannery: "That man is out there on the street washing his car every Sunday. Everyone near the Kerry home ought to know what kind of pathological monster they're dealing with."

Retired USMC Lt. Col. James Zumwalt also appears in the "War Criminal" ad.

"John Kerry returned home from Vietnam and made outrageous statements and allegations about those who had fought with honor in that conflict," Zumwalt says in the ad. "Then he made his four-month combat tour in Vietnam the centerpiece of his bid for the presidency. Our nation's libraries need to think twice before granting this turncoat a library card. What's to say he won't suddenly change his mind about returning his books?"

Kerry has not yet responded to the ads, but several former campaign aides said they expect him to issue a statement disputing the attacks before the end of next year.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close