SWM May Have Lied About Liking Sunsets, Long Walks

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Vol 35 Issue 02

Newest Baywatch Cast Member Kicks It With Byron Allen

LOS ANGELES—Debi Tyler, the latest beach beauty to join the cast of TV's Baywatch, kicked it with Byron Allen Saturday on Allen's syndicated TV talk show. The pair kicked it for exactly six minutes, marking Tyler's first nationally televised kicking of it. Also kicking it with Allen during the one-hour show were NBA star Grant Hill, supermodel Heidi Klum, funnyman Richard Jeni and Lima, OH, resident Jon Specht, winner of the show's "I Wanna Kick It With Byron Allen" contest.

Lone Geek Sits Off By Self Reading The Silmarillion Throughout Recess

BANGOR, ME—For the 17th consecutive recess period, unathletic pariah Jake Muncie sat off by himself Monday and read The Silmarillion, sources reported. The book, fantasy author J.R.R. Tolkien's posthumously published account of the creation of Middle Earth and the subsequent Wars of the Silmarils, engaged the 12-year-old for the entire 33-minute recess period. Muncie reportedly positioned himself in a corner of the school cafeteria, far enough from his dodgeball-playing classmates to remain unmolested.

Yeah, Area Man Is Drunk... So?

MENDHAM, NJ—What are residents of this normally quiet suburban enclave looking at? Are they looking at 34-year-old resident Darren Pollard? Is that it? Yeah, Pollard, who has reportedly consumed 11 beers in the past four hours, is drunk, but so what? Does the greater Mendham area have some kind of problem with that? Shit, Pollard, a truck driver and father of three, drinks when he wants to drink, and a small crowd of pedestrians outside Mickey's Old Towne Tavern had better believe that. Mother fuck—get off of Pollard, man, Pollard is sick of taking shit from local law-enforcement officials. Who does Lt. Tim Brophy, 42, of the Mendham Police Department think he is, fuckin' Rambo? This is bullshit.

Slightly Larger Chair Shifts Delicate Balance Of Office Power

OXNARD, CA—The highly complex intra-office power dynamic at the accounting firm of Adams, Fitzhugh & Associates shifted dramatically Tuesday, when a $229 Futura EZ-Roll office chair was delivered to the cubicle of Henry Rozema. The deluxe new chair, ordered to replace a broken one, stands a full two inches higher than that of co-worker Bill Kraft and, unlike Kraft's chair, features such options as a fingertip-controlled pneumatic height adjuster, customized swivel/tilt controls, a five-blade base with dual-wheel casters, and a leather-upholstered ergonomic backrest. "This radically alters the elaborate, ongoing power struggle between Henry and Bill," office manager Brenda Rutt said. "As partner Willard Haines' retirement draws ever closer, Henry and Bill's desire to replace him only grows stronger, and this striking, option-packed piece of office furniture gives Henry a substantial psychological edge."

Man At Adjacent Urinal Pretends To Look Straight Ahead

CHEHALIS, WA—Curious about his fellow urinator's penis, restaurant patron Dennis Munro rolled his eyeballs far to the left Monday in the hope of surreptitiously glimpsing the flaccid male organ of a man at an adjacent urinal. Pretending to focus intently on a square of white ceramic tile directly in front of him, Munro managed to crane his head very slightly to the left, which, combined with his extreme leftward eyeball positioning, afforded him a brief but clear glimpse of the four-inch-long neighboring penis. Experts believe the heterosexual Munro was acting upon an evaluative impulse, hoping to see a fellow male's penis for purposes of comparing it to his own.

I Hate My Next-Door Neighbors

Not long ago, I was the master of all I surveyed. As I gazed down from my mountain-top estate, I was confident in the knowledge that the fate of the yeomanry that cowered below was firmly in my grasp. I owned all the property in the local village and took 15 percent of the harvest. If a peasant wanted to leave the county, he had to pay a toll on one of my bridges and had to be back before night-fall, lest my feared mastiffs track him down and tear him limb-from-limb. Then the nouveau riche started moving in. Yes, I realize I just used a phrase from the hated French language, but it is the best way to describe the Johnny-Come-Latelies who have decided to pollute my environs with their effete ways. They claim they like to "winter" here, far from the chill and coal-smoke of the city, and hunt foxes, play polo and enjoy "cocktail" drinking-beverages and other silly nonsense.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

Baby, there is one piece of information in particular that you need to know: With Smoove B, satisfaction is guaranteed.

Hipping Up The Grammys

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SWM May Have Lied About Liking Sunsets, Long Walks

NEW LONDON, CT—According to reports, Steve Zollner, 36, a New London-area non-smoking SWM, may have lied about his taste for long walks and sunsets.

A June 1996 file photo of non-smoking SWM Steve Zollner sharing good times and outdoor fun with an unidentified woman.

Zollner's long-walks- and sunset-liking claim, which has appeared frequently in the personals section of The New London Examiner since late December, is believed by local police to be part of an elaborate scheme by the at-large Zollner to lure unsuspecting attractive, fit SWFs between the ages of 30 to 40.

"Lurking somewhere in this city is a scam artist who lures innocent women to his voice-mail box with false claims of enjoying sunsets, long walks and various other activities of a romantic nature," New London police chief Eugene Woodall said. "We are urging all women in the area to exercise extreme caution when approaching unfamiliar men for friendship and possibly more."

In addition to sunsets and long walks, Zollner, who sometimes goes by the aliases "Classy Companion" and "Your Mr. Right?" claimed in the 58-word ad to have a fondness for candlelit dinners, close companionship and new adventures. Zollner's numerous victims said these claims are also false.

"In the ad, Steve sounded like a real teddy bear, so I called him up," said Rhonda Leland, a petite 36-year-old veterinarian's assistant who is intelligent and independent, but also a dreamer. "Then, after a few weeks of dating him, it became clear that Steve wasn't interested in anything but drinking beer and watching COPS. Once, I even suggested that we go for a walk and he said, 'Walk? What do you want to walk for?' It was obvious that I had been the victim of a scam."

Shoe-store manager Janet Dreisbach, a once bitten, twice shy, recently divorced professional with above-average looks, had a similar experience with Zollner. "When I saw #2567's ad, it seemed too good to be true," said Dreisbach, who has been looking for a discriminating soulmate for good times and great conversation since February 1996. "After all, it sounded like we had a lot in common, like the part in the ad that said he 'enjoys having fun.' Well, as I quickly found out, it was too good to be true."

Thus far, police said, Zollner's scam has claimed eight victims. In addition to Leland and Dreisbach, six other women responded to Zollner's personals ad during its five-week run, including three who actually went on dates with Zollner and one who left several messages for him on The New London Examiner's automated Love Line.

"Something about this particular personals ad just didn't add up," said Det. Daniel Stenson, who launched the investigation of Zollner after spotting his ad in a special Jan. 3 "Catch The Love Bug" pull-out section of The Examiner. "A well-built outdoors-type who loves spending cuddly evenings in front of the fireplace and going out to movies? It just didn't seem possible for one man to have so many wildly divergent interests."

Also being sought by police is Erik Larsen, a friend of Zollner's who is widely suspected to be the individual who suggested that Zollner try placing a personals ad. According to police, Larsen also may have assisted Zollner in writing the ad, in effect making him an accomplice to the crime.

"Serving as an accomplice to fraud is a serious crime with serious consequences," Stenson said. "If Mr. Larsen is caught, he will have some very grave questions to answer."

Though no formal charges have yet been filed against Zollner, police have collected substantial evidence against him. For example, contrary to Zollner's claim of being "a major music lover," a police search of his home found that he owns only six CDs, one of which is a Little River Band disc still in its plastic shrink-wrap. Further, Zollner's assertion that he loves "drinking wine by the fireplace" was cast into doubt when investigators found no trace of either wine or a fireplace in his three-room apartment.

"It is clear that by concocting these deliberately misleading fabrications, Zollner intended to represent himself in a positive light to overly trusting members of the opposite sex," Stenson said. "And for what purpose? To ensnare them in the cruel web of banality and boredom that is his existence as an aging single."

Anyone with information about Zollner is urged to call the New London Police Department at 1-900-555-9365, box #2952. Callers must be 18 or older, and all calls are strictly confidential. Touchtone phones only. No fatties.

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