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Mobile App To Revolutionize Way Users Waste Time, Money

SAN JOSE, CA—Explaining how their new product expands on successful elements of today’s most popular apps, representatives from Luna Media told reporters Friday that the company’s new mobile app, Relode, is poised to revolutionize the way users waste both their time and money.

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...
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Marketing

SXSW As Cool And As Real As It Gets, Reports Marketing Associate

AUSTIN, TX—While attending the fourth day of this year’s SXSW conference, Chicago-based marketing associate Tim Danner told reporters today that the music, film, and interactive festival is just about as cool, as alternative, and as real as it gets. “The great thing about South By is that practically everyone here is talking about the newest cutting-edge ideas, but the whole scene still has this super-chill underground vibe,” said the 33-year-old who went to business school, makes a six-figure salary, and develops marketing strategies for a living. “What I like most of all is that it’s not in New York or Los Angeles, but in Austin, which is like this cool little artsy town. That’s so awesome and so authentic, you know? And there are so many great indie rock bands playing here, too. I love indie rock music.” At press time, Danner was attending his 15th straight panel on the future of digital.

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