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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Symphony Orchestra Simply Cannot Wait For Collaboration With John Mellencamp


PHILADELPHIA—Saying the live performance will be a dream come true following decades of music study, members of the Philadelphia Orchestra announced Wednesday that they simply cannot wait for their upcoming collaboration with John Mellencamp. “I’ve practiced the viola 10 hours a day for the past 25 years, received an education at the New England Conservatory, and partaken in three artist residencies, so the opportunity to serve as accompaniment to members of John Mellencamp’s touring band is truly a great honor,” said associate principal violist Paul Chiu, adding that playing the same simple melody as the rest of the string section and the entire woodwind section during the chorus of “Hurts So Good” would be a “feather in the cap” of his distinguished classical music career. “To repeat the same sequence of eight notes over and over again while staring at the back of John Mellencamp’s head as amplified guitars and boisterous audience members drown out most of the sound—I can’t think of a greater privilege than that. The only thing better would be playing with Jon Bon Jovi, but I’m not getting my hopes up.” At press time, Chiu had sequestered himself in a practice space for the day to rehearse his part for the song “R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A.”

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