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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day

DAMASCUS—Two years into a devastating civil war that has left nearly 100,000 dead, caused incalculable destruction, and all but ruined the prospects of even a tenuous peace, rebel forces and the nation’s government agreed today that it’s about time to call Syria a day and move on. “We gave Syria our best shot; it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out for anybody, so how about we close up shop on old Syria? Whaddaya say?” said Free Syrian Army leader General Salim Idris, who, like his counterparts within the country’s Ba’athist regime, claimed he had “no problem” with cutting his losses and packing in the war-torn Middle Eastern nation. “Hey, we had a good run. Twelve thousand years if we include the Fertile Crescent days. But at this point I think we can safely put the kibosh on Syria without anyone being too upset about it.” Idris noted that both sides should be sure not to forget their weapons before saying goodnight to Syria, adding that they “would come in handy” wherever the conflicting parties ended up.

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