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Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

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PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day

DAMASCUS—Two years into a devastating civil war that has left nearly 100,000 dead, caused incalculable destruction, and all but ruined the prospects of even a tenuous peace, rebel forces and the nation’s government agreed today that it’s about time to call Syria a day and move on. “We gave Syria our best shot; it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out for anybody, so how about we close up shop on old Syria? Whaddaya say?” said Free Syrian Army leader General Salim Idris, who, like his counterparts within the country’s Ba’athist regime, claimed he had “no problem” with cutting his losses and packing in the war-torn Middle Eastern nation. “Hey, we had a good run. Twelve thousand years if we include the Fertile Crescent days. But at this point I think we can safely put the kibosh on Syria without anyone being too upset about it.” Idris noted that both sides should be sure not to forget their weapons before saying goodnight to Syria, adding that they “would come in handy” wherever the conflicting parties ended up.

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