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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day

DAMASCUS—Two years into a devastating civil war that has left nearly 100,000 dead, caused incalculable destruction, and all but ruined the prospects of even a tenuous peace, rebel forces and the nation’s government agreed today that it’s about time to call Syria a day and move on. “We gave Syria our best shot; it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out for anybody, so how about we close up shop on old Syria? Whaddaya say?” said Free Syrian Army leader General Salim Idris, who, like his counterparts within the country’s Ba’athist regime, claimed he had “no problem” with cutting his losses and packing in the war-torn Middle Eastern nation. “Hey, we had a good run. Twelve thousand years if we include the Fertile Crescent days. But at this point I think we can safely put the kibosh on Syria without anyone being too upset about it.” Idris noted that both sides should be sure not to forget their weapons before saying goodnight to Syria, adding that they “would come in handy” wherever the conflicting parties ended up.

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