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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Table Tennis Star Wang Hao Out 4 Weeks With Sprained Knuckle

CHANGCHUN, JILIN PROVINCE—In a devastating turn of events that has shocked and saddened the world's sport fans, the earth's premiere athlete and No. 1–ranked table tennis superstar Wang Hao will be sidelined for a month after suffering a right knuckle sprain on his glorious index finger while training with intensity and grit. Wang, who partially tore the collateral ligament and damaged the proximal interphalangeal joint when his powerful finger slammed into the Masonite table surface in order to return service with infinite precision, is currently unable to maintain his famous pen-hold grip without acute physical discomfort, despite his superhuman tolerance for pain. Wang Hao is currently undergoing numerous MRIs and receiving many treatments and surgeries of the arthroscopic variety. Regardless of the setback, Chinese table tennis dominance is assured.鱼

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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