After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Tae Kwon Do Instructor Gets Little Thrill Out Of Pairing Off Completely Mismatched 8-Year-Olds

KANNAPOLIS, NC—Describing the practice as a fun way to liven up what are often routine and repetitive classes, local tae kwon do instructor Chris Fergus told reporters Friday he always gets a little thrill from partnering up two completely mismatched 8-year-olds during sparring sessions. “Whenever I need a little pick-me-up, I always look for the most timid kid in the class—one whose robe is usually falling off his shoulders because he’s probably no more than 45 pounds—and put him up against a big, aggressive kid in the middle of a growth spurt, and then just sit back and watch the show,” said Fergus, explaining how, after a minute or so of lopsided combat, he likes to pull aside the smaller of the two to remind him of several self-defense fundamentals and tell him to “remember that strength comes from focus, not size,” before sending him back onto the mat to get knocked around some more. “To be honest, I’m usually already eyeing which ones I want to pit against each other before I even start the day’s lesson. Man, just to see the look on the tiny one’s face when he tries to put up his hands in a blocking stance but still takes a reverse hook kick right to the chest—it never fails to brighten my day.” At press time, Fergus was reportedly trying to suppress a smile after a hesitant, barely 4-foot-tall bespectacled child walked into the studio for his first day of yellow-belt class.

After Birth

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