Takeout Bag Feels Light

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Takeout Bag Feels Light

Welch’s concern reportedly peaked as soon as he determined that the bag didn’t emit the characteristic slosh of wonton soup.
Welch’s concern reportedly peaked as soon as he determined that the bag didn’t emit the characteristic slosh of wonton soup.

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light.

Unable to effectively account for the bag’s seemingly low weight given the amount of food he had ordered, sources confirmed that Welch grappled with his increasing alarm and anxiety as he exited the establishment and walked back to his nearby car, quickly becoming entirely occupied by the disconcerting thought that one or more food items had been left out.

“Wait, this can’t be right,” Welch reportedly said to himself, slowing his pace as he anxiously appraised the heft of the brown paper sack in an effort to ascertain its likelihood of containing the two entrées, sides of crab rangoon and egg rolls, and double order of white rice he had called in. “It usually weighs more than this.”

“It was definitely heavier last time,” he added with audible concern.

As he continued to put distance between himself and the neighborhood Chinese restaurant, sources confirmed that Welch’s mind raced through a number of scenarios to explain the bag’s decreased weight, including a recent change in portion sizes or an uncharacteristic lack of napkins, chopsticks, fortune cookies, and soy sauce packets. In spite of the wealth of hypothetical scenarios he is said to have envisioned, reports indicate that none of these conjectures was able to dissuade Welch from the unwelcome conclusion that at least one item had, in fact, been omitted from his carryout order.

After more than a minute of anguished worrying, onlookers reported that Welch paused on the sidewalk and held the stapled-shut bag aloft at eye-level, rotating it to get a view of all sides. Apparently unsatisfied with his assessment, sources said Welch then scanned the receipt taped to the bag’s side, mentally ticking off each item on the sales slip—including the broccoli beef combo and the extra duck sauce—to confirm that his phone order had gone through accurately.

Witnesses confirmed that Welch, his brow furrowed in evident bafflement and dismay, then resumed hesitantly walking toward his parking spot.

“Maybe they put the rice and the main dishes in the same box, which would mean I got less rice than usual,” Welch said, as he ran his hands over the bag in an attempt to probe the outlines of its indeterminate number of cartons and plastic containers. “And the entrées came with wonton soup last time, but maybe they don’t do that anymore. There’s no way there’s soup in there.”

Reports confirmed that Welch’s thoughts grew even more frantic and distressed as he considered the possibility that the abnormally hectic pace at Hunan Palace during its dinnertime rush could have led to a major oversight on his order. Additionally, Welch’s feverish mind is said to have quickly generated the additional prospect that the new, seemingly untrained employee standing at the register had failed to properly pack Welch’s order prior to his arrival, a revelation that caused the uneasy man to look back over his shoulder at the Hunan Palace awning that was now a distant two blocks behind him.

Moreover, Welch reportedly noted that he himself had sped through the purchasing process in anticipation of getting home to watch Game Of Thrones on HBO Go, leading him to abruptly stop in his tracks and feel a twinge of panic pass through his body as he realized there may have been a second carryout bag sitting on the counter that he had neglected to take.

“Maybe I should go back,” Welch said as he reached his car, carefully weighing his mounting hunger and desire to avoid a long explanation at the Hunan Palace counter against the possibility that his order had been catastrophically botched. “If they just forgot the extra rice, I can live with that. That’s no big deal.”

“But jeez, what if it’s the cashew chicken?” he added with heightened alarm. “I’d definitely have to go back.”

At press time, onlookers observed a frenzied Welch emptying and spreading out the entirety of the bag’s contents onto the hood of his car, opening each container as traffic sped alongside him.