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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Takeout Burrito Shielded From Cold As Though It Were Week-Old Newborn

NEW YORK—Clutching the tinfoil-wrapped bundle tightly to her chest as she emerged from a local taqueria, area woman Caroline Parrish tenderly shielded her takeout burrito from the cold as though it were a week-old newborn, sources confirmed Friday. “I’ll get you home soon, my love—just a few more minutes,” whispered Parrish, nestling the rolled mass of spicy steak and beans within the folds of her jacket to ensure it could not be chilled by the wind as she carefully sidestepped patches of ice and affectionately cradled her cherished lunch item to ensure its fragile form was fully supported. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” At press time, Parrish was terrified to realize her burrito had been switched with someone else’s.

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