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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Tale Of How Woman Started Making Earrings Out Of Scrabble Tiles Even More Spellbinding Than Anticipated

SANTA CRUZ, CA—His pulse still racing following the conclusion of the five-minute anecdote, local man Luke Weaver, 30, told reporters Friday that listening to a fellow partygoer’s story about how she started making earrings out of Scrabble tiles was even more intense and spellbinding than he imagined it would be. “When she first mentioned that she likes to make her own jewelry, I knew I was in for one wild ride, but wow, I could have never predicted all the riveting twists and turns it would take,” said Weaver, who recounted a particularly mesmerizing portion of the tale in which the woman initially struggled with, but eventually mastered, punching holes in the tiles. “You wouldn’t believe the things she can do with those tiles: customize the letter combos; apply paint to give them some color. It’s absolutely insane. Beginning to end, she had me on the edge of my seat.” At press time, Weaver had to excuse himself from the conversation as the woman began talking about how she makes bracelets from trinkets she picks up at thrift stores, explaining that his already taxed cardiovascular system wasn’t up to the task of handling another heart-pounding, white-knuckle adventure.

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