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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Tale Of How Woman Started Making Earrings Out Of Scrabble Tiles Even More Spellbinding Than Anticipated

SANTA CRUZ, CA—His pulse still racing following the conclusion of the five-minute anecdote, local man Luke Weaver, 30, told reporters Friday that listening to a fellow partygoer’s story about how she started making earrings out of Scrabble tiles was even more intense and spellbinding than he imagined it would be. “When she first mentioned that she likes to make her own jewelry, I knew I was in for one wild ride, but wow, I could have never predicted all the riveting twists and turns it would take,” said Weaver, who recounted a particularly mesmerizing portion of the tale in which the woman initially struggled with, but eventually mastered, punching holes in the tiles. “You wouldn’t believe the things she can do with those tiles: customize the letter combos; apply paint to give them some color. It’s absolutely insane. Beginning to end, she had me on the edge of my seat.” At press time, Weaver had to excuse himself from the conversation as the woman began talking about how she makes bracelets from trinkets she picks up at thrift stores, explaining that his already taxed cardiovascular system wasn’t up to the task of handling another heart-pounding, white-knuckle adventure.

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