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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Tale Of How Woman Started Making Earrings Out Of Scrabble Tiles Even More Spellbinding Than Anticipated

SANTA CRUZ, CA—His pulse still racing following the conclusion of the five-minute anecdote, local man Luke Weaver, 30, told reporters Friday that listening to a fellow partygoer’s story about how she started making earrings out of Scrabble tiles was even more intense and spellbinding than he imagined it would be. “When she first mentioned that she likes to make her own jewelry, I knew I was in for one wild ride, but wow, I could have never predicted all the riveting twists and turns it would take,” said Weaver, who recounted a particularly mesmerizing portion of the tale in which the woman initially struggled with, but eventually mastered, punching holes in the tiles. “You wouldn’t believe the things she can do with those tiles: customize the letter combos; apply paint to give them some color. It’s absolutely insane. Beginning to end, she had me on the edge of my seat.” At press time, Weaver had to excuse himself from the conversation as the woman began talking about how she makes bracelets from trinkets she picks up at thrift stores, explaining that his already taxed cardiovascular system wasn’t up to the task of handling another heart-pounding, white-knuckle adventure.

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