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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Talking Head In Walter Payton Documentary Clearly Doesn't Know Payton Is Dead

CHICAGO—Despite calling himself a close friend and confidant of the late Chicago Bears superstar, remarks made by former Bears quarterback Vince Evans last week while being filmed for a documentary movie revealed that he has no idea that Walter Payton had passed away, as Evans several times referred to the Hall of Fame running back in the present tense. "Walter is just a fantastic all-around guy," said Evans, who somehow had never learned of Payton's death from their ex-teammates or by glancing at any newspaper on November 2, 1999. "I know he's got a busy life, but he has a magnetic personality and a real mind for the game, and we'd all love to see him get into coaching. He has so much to offer young players." Evans, who said that it seemed "like forever" since he last talked to Payton, announced that he would call "his good buddy Sweetness" immediately after the interview.

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