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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Talking Head In Walter Payton Documentary Clearly Doesn't Know Payton Is Dead

CHICAGO—Despite calling himself a close friend and confidant of the late Chicago Bears superstar, remarks made by former Bears quarterback Vince Evans last week while being filmed for a documentary movie revealed that he has no idea that Walter Payton had passed away, as Evans several times referred to the Hall of Fame running back in the present tense. "Walter is just a fantastic all-around guy," said Evans, who somehow had never learned of Payton's death from their ex-teammates or by glancing at any newspaper on November 2, 1999. "I know he's got a busy life, but he has a magnetic personality and a real mind for the game, and we'd all love to see him get into coaching. He has so much to offer young players." Evans, who said that it seemed "like forever" since he last talked to Payton, announced that he would call "his good buddy Sweetness" immediately after the interview.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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