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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Talking Head In Walter Payton Documentary Clearly Doesn't Know Payton Is Dead

CHICAGO—Despite calling himself a close friend and confidant of the late Chicago Bears superstar, remarks made by former Bears quarterback Vince Evans last week while being filmed for a documentary movie revealed that he has no idea that Walter Payton had passed away, as Evans several times referred to the Hall of Fame running back in the present tense. "Walter is just a fantastic all-around guy," said Evans, who somehow had never learned of Payton's death from their ex-teammates or by glancing at any newspaper on November 2, 1999. "I know he's got a busy life, but he has a magnetic personality and a real mind for the game, and we'd all love to see him get into coaching. He has so much to offer young players." Evans, who said that it seemed "like forever" since he last talked to Payton, announced that he would call "his good buddy Sweetness" immediately after the interview.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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