After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Talking To Your Kids About Drugs

These days, pressure to do drugs is all around, so it's vital that you reach your kids early. Here are some tips for talking to them about marijuana and other illegal substances.

In The News: Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About

  • Tell your kids that if they ever do drugs, CIA Director William Webster will think they are losers.
  • As an alternative to drugs, suggest "cool" drug-free activities, like making a bird feeder out of a milk carton or interviewing local seniors about what the olden days were like.
  • Before engaging in any stressful discussion with your children, take a moment to smoke a bowl or two to relax.
  • Scare your kids straight with the terrifying tale of the time you were 16 and did bong hits in the back of an El Camino outside a Kansas concert.
  • Explain that only lowlifes like pro athletes and rock stars use drugs.
  • Kids may ask too many questions. To save time, just explain to them that the powder-filled balloons will keep them from getting sick on the plane ride back to America.
  • If your child must use drugs, make it a culturally enriching experience by hiring a certified shaman to take him/her on a traditional peyote vision quest.
  • As an alternative to harmful drugs like marijuana, encourage your kids to experiment with safe, legal substances like cigarettes and alcohol.
  • Be direct, brief, and to the point. Remember, you only have about 45 minutes or so before the acid really starts to kick in.
  • Today's kids place an emphasis on good "vibes" in a conversational setting. Accentuate the site of your talk with black-light posters and lava lamps. Keep the lighting dim, hanging wall-sized tie-dyes or tapestries over exterior windows to blot out all sunlight.
  • Explain to your kids that the reason they call it "dope" is that you have to be a "dope" to use it. From then on, the mere mention of "dope" will flood their minds with terrifying imagery of "being a dope," scaring them off drugs forever.
  • Record your conversation with your child, then unspool, cut up and reassemble the recording at random. Use the resultant juxtaposed fragments to predict the future in a process similar to the throwing of the I Ching.
  • Ask the editors of Highlights For Children to repeat the strip in which Goofus OD's and chokes on his own vomit in a bathroom stall at the train station.
  • Before bringing up drugs with your kids, hook your turntables up to a wah-wah pedal.
  • Whatever you do, do not talk to your kids about drugs.

After Birth

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