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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Tall Young Girl Told She Should Play Basketball

CHELMSFORD, MA—Based on her above- average height, the presence of two functional arms, and the near certainty that she was a student enrolled at a junior high school, it was suggested by a family friend Tuesday that 13-year-old Hannah Jeffers try out for her school's basketball team. "Wow, you've really grown," neighbor Tom Pike told Jeffers at a recent neighborhood cookout. "Ever play basketball? You should." When Jeffers expressed ambivalence about the idea, Pike cited the same physical and demographic characteristics in proposing she try volleyball.

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