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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Tall Young Girl Told She Should Play Basketball

CHELMSFORD, MA—Based on her above- average height, the presence of two functional arms, and the near certainty that she was a student enrolled at a junior high school, it was suggested by a family friend Tuesday that 13-year-old Hannah Jeffers try out for her school's basketball team. "Wow, you've really grown," neighbor Tom Pike told Jeffers at a recent neighborhood cookout. "Ever play basketball? You should." When Jeffers expressed ambivalence about the idea, Pike cited the same physical and demographic characteristics in proposing she try volleyball.

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