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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Tall Young Girl Told She Should Play Basketball

CHELMSFORD, MA—Based on her above- average height, the presence of two functional arms, and the near certainty that she was a student enrolled at a junior high school, it was suggested by a family friend Tuesday that 13-year-old Hannah Jeffers try out for her school's basketball team. "Wow, you've really grown," neighbor Tom Pike told Jeffers at a recent neighborhood cookout. "Ever play basketball? You should." When Jeffers expressed ambivalence about the idea, Pike cited the same physical and demographic characteristics in proposing she try volleyball.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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