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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Tammys Of The World Demand To Be Taken Seriously

UNITED NATIONS—In a historic summit Tuesday, the world's 178,230 Tammys convened to demand that they be treated with the same respect afforded the world's approximately 5.1 billion non-Tammys. "Tammy discrimination has been ignored for too long, and it's high time we took action," said summit organizer Tammy Mugler, 24, an assistant manager at an Atlanta-area Orange Julius. "Do you realize that in the entire history of the U.S., no Tammy has ever been elected to federal office?" The world's Heidis expressed support for the summit.

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