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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Tammys Of The World Demand To Be Taken Seriously

UNITED NATIONS—In a historic summit Tuesday, the world's 178,230 Tammys convened to demand that they be treated with the same respect afforded the world's approximately 5.1 billion non-Tammys. "Tammy discrimination has been ignored for too long, and it's high time we took action," said summit organizer Tammy Mugler, 24, an assistant manager at an Atlanta-area Orange Julius. "Do you realize that in the entire history of the U.S., no Tammy has ever been elected to federal office?" The world's Heidis expressed support for the summit.

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