adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tampa Bay Devil Rays Worried They Might Be Cut During Spring Training

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Members of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays team, coaching staff, and front office expressed concern Tuesday that they might not be one of the lucky 30 teams invited to participate in the 2006 Major League Baseball season. "There's a lot of good teams out there, and most of them have been around a whole lot longer than we have," Devil Rays manager Joe Maddon said. "The Yankees, the Red Sox, the Angels—you know they're all going to make this year's league. I guess we just have to try our hardest, put some money into this club, and prove that we belong out there with those other teams." Opposing managers throughout the AL agree that, while the Devil Rays may someday make a decent big-league ballclub, it's probably best that they get some experience first by starting the season in Triple-A.

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close