Tampa Bay Rays: "Fuck You, Cubs"

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Vol 44 Issue 43

Americans Voting Early

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Swaggering Down 87%

NEW YORK—A wide-legged gait accompanied by an overconfident smile and a jauntily raised eyebrow may soon be a thing of the past due to recent economic turmoil.
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Tampa Bay Rays: "Fuck You, Cubs"

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—On the eve of their very first World Series appearance in a short 10-year team history, the Tampa Bay Rays took time Tuesday to acknowledge the Chicago Cubs' decades-long absence from the Fall Classic.

"Hey, fuck you, you losers, you had every chance," the announcement read in part. "Great regular season, wasn't it? But you've been losing so long it's gotten good to you, hasn't it? And without losing in the playoffs, you just don't have much of a team identity, do you? Pathetic. Well, wish us luck—no, wait, we don't believe in luck, good or bad, because we went out and earned a place in the World Series." Baseball commissioner Bud Selig is expected to officially censure Rays management for the vulgar and undiplomatic nature of the announcement, but acknowledged Wednesday morning that "Christ, you've got to admit they have a point."

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