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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Tank Johnson, Pac-Man Jones Killed While Arguing Over Who Inspired NFL Code Of Conduct

CHICAGO—The short, turbulent, and controversial lives of NFL cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and defensive tackle Terry "Tank" Johnson ended in a Chicago-area strip club last Tuesday night when an argument over which player had the greatest influence on the NFL's proposed code of conduct escalated into horrific but predictable violence. "We already had the club under surveillance as a possible hub for drug dealing, arms trading, prostitution, gambling, and counterfeiting, so when Jones and Johnson arrived around 11 p.m. we weren't surprised," FBI agent Ronald Murchowski told reporters on the scene. "They had no sooner ordered their bodyguards to throw money on the stage when the question of who had in fact inspired the new NFL player-conduct policies brought them to blows, stabbings, personal arson, and finally, gunplay." The NFL has not yet announced how it would deal with such tragedies in the future under the proposed "Jones/Johnson" or "Johnson/Jones" rules.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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