Tantric-Sex Class Opens Up Whole New World Of Unfulfillment For Local Couple

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Vol 33 Issue 12

Only Two Golden Tickets Remain

PHOENIX—A third Wonka Golden Ticket was discovered Monday by American used-car heiress Violet Beauregard, reducing the number of undiscovered tickets to two. "It is imperative that I obtain a Wonka ticket," Pittsburgh steel magnate Alfred Van Crowley said. "My billions of dollars and thousands of loyal employees are of no comfort to me if I cannot tour the fantastic and mysterious Wonka factory and, most importantly, claim for myself a lifetime supply of chocolate, the most important substance in the universe." All other citizens of Earth have responded similarly, depleting supermarkets and sweetshops of crates of Wonka bars the moment they arrive. Analysts have noted with alarm that, thus far, no dear, good-hearted children have located tickets, with the first three going to nasty, wicked children.

Nine-Hundred-Pound Man Left To Die

MACON, GA—James Stotts, a 900-pound man whose morbid obesity has made him dependent upon family, friends and neighbors for most of his adult life, was officially left to die Monday. Too large to get out of bed or provide for himself in any way, Stotts, 37, had relied on aid from others for survival since first topping the 600-pound mark in 1986. "He can't even go to the bathroom by himself," said Macon councilman Gus Friar, co-sponsor of the Stotts-abandonment referendum, which passed by a wide majority. "I'll be damned if I know what he's going to do now. I guess he'll die, probably." Macon mayor Sandra Tomlinson was more conciliatory in her remarks. "It is sad and tragic that, in our society, a fellow human being can deteriorate into such a pitiable state. I hope he comes up with some way to help himself, although I can't imagine how."

Time Magazine Just Six Months From Big Cocktail-Nation-Craze Story

NEW YORK—Zeitgeist-monitoring sources reported Monday that Time magazine is a mere six months from a major cover story on the pop-cultural phenomenon known as "Cocktail Nation"—the retro-lounge revival of the early-'60s swinging bachelor-pad lifestyle that rose to popularity in the early '90s. "It is important that Time keep its readers abreast of cutting-edge developments such as Cocktail Nation," said Time editor-in-chief Ted Schildkraut. "We were also the first to bring readers the ultra-hip 'Riot-Grrrrl' movement of late '80s, which we featured in a big, timely, December 1996 piece." Other popular-trend stories that Time plans to run in the future: "Cigar Chic," in May 1999; "Everybody's Moving To Seattle," in 2001; and "Rap: The Beat Of The Street," in late 2006.

Congress Passes Freedom From Information Act

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the unregulated flow of information "the single greatest threat to the emotional comfort and well-being of the American people," Congress passed the long-discussed Freedom From Information Act Monday.

Horoscope for the week of April 1, 1998

You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.

The Boy Scout Crackdown

In a controversial decision, the California Supreme Court recently upheld the Boy Scouts Of America's right to ban homosexuals from its ranks, as either scouts or Scoutmasters. What do you think?
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Tantric-Sex Class Opens Up Whole New World Of Unfulfillment For Local Couple

BURLINGTON, VT—After 10 years of marriage, Harold and Sue Robertson of Burlington agreed that their sex life could use a jump-start. Their lovemaking an increasingly joyless, mechanical exercise, the sexually frustrated couple decided to enroll in a Tantric-sex class.

Harold and Sue Robertson, whose inability to execute The Totally Auspicious Position (left), along with countless other ancient Indian erotic positions, took them to new heights of sexual dissatisfaction.

It was one of the best decisions they ever made.

"Tantric sex has done wonders for us," Harold said. "Before taking this class, the sex we were having only hinted at the vast universe of non-gratification we're now discovering."

Through the study of Tantra, an erotic tradition of ancient India, the Robertsons have opened up vast new horizons of unfulfillment in their love life, reaching mystical states of dissatisfaction that, previously, they did not even know existed.

The Robertsons' first Tantric lesson involved viewing one's sexual partner as a manifestation of the eternal couple, Shiva and Shakti. By comparing their own below-average looks to those of the divine Hindu love gods, the couple was able to achieve stunning new lows in self-esteem and body confidence.

"Harold's undersized and frequently flaccid Lingam (penis) is a mere shadow of Shiva's grand, glowing, ever-erect love-scepter," said the instructor of the class, Yogini Rajalakshmi Mitra. "Compared to the virile and potent Shiva, Harold is barely a man. He, like Sue, has only begun to tap into his vast potential for insecurity about his physical appearance."

The multitude of Tantric sexual positions, many of them requiring muscular strength and flexibility, have also inspired mind-blowing sensations of inadequacy in the couple. After several lessons from Yogini Mitra on how to perform the Spinning Top position—in which the woman sits on top of the man and whirls her body around like a wheel on the axis of his Lingam—Sue was unable to clench her Yoni (vagina) tightly enough around Harold's Lingam and fell off, sending her on a mystical journey of deep frustration and self-doubt.

"I thought I was feeling no pleasure before," Sue said, "but I'm now soaring to heights of non-enjoyment I never dreamed possible."

"Susan's psycho-magnetic Yoni waves are barely perceptible," Yogini Mitra said. "By diving into 2,000 years of Indian eroticism, she has enabled her sexual potency to decrease tenfold."

Perhaps the most unfulfilling aspect of Tantric sex for the Robertsons is the concept of Kundalini energy, depicted as an inner fire or snake rising from the sexual organs. By failing to awaken this energy and channel it up their spines, unable to transform it as it rises through the body's chakras en route to a non-explosion in the 32-petaled lotus chakra at the top of the head, the Robertsons achieved a state of ineffable discontentment and complete twoness with the universe.

"Harold and Sue have been wholly unable to raise their Kundalini past their sexual organs," Mitra said. "This, combined with Harold's weak genital muscles that are unable to prolong ejaculation, have resulted in 15-minute marathons of brain-meltingly dissatisfying sex."

"This course has been so eye-opening for me," Sue said. "Our sex life was bad before, but only now do I realize just how much worse it can be."

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