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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Tantric-Sex Class Opens Up Whole New World Of Unfulfillment For Local Couple

BURLINGTON, VT—After 10 years of marriage, Harold and Sue Robertson of Burlington agreed that their sex life could use a jump-start. Their lovemaking an increasingly joyless, mechanical exercise, the sexually frustrated couple decided to enroll in a Tantric-sex class.

Harold and Sue Robertson, whose inability to execute The Totally Auspicious Position (left), along with countless other ancient Indian erotic positions, took them to new heights of sexual dissatisfaction.

It was one of the best decisions they ever made.

"Tantric sex has done wonders for us," Harold said. "Before taking this class, the sex we were having only hinted at the vast universe of non-gratification we're now discovering."

Through the study of Tantra, an erotic tradition of ancient India, the Robertsons have opened up vast new horizons of unfulfillment in their love life, reaching mystical states of dissatisfaction that, previously, they did not even know existed.

The Robertsons' first Tantric lesson involved viewing one's sexual partner as a manifestation of the eternal couple, Shiva and Shakti. By comparing their own below-average looks to those of the divine Hindu love gods, the couple was able to achieve stunning new lows in self-esteem and body confidence.

"Harold's undersized and frequently flaccid Lingam (penis) is a mere shadow of Shiva's grand, glowing, ever-erect love-scepter," said the instructor of the class, Yogini Rajalakshmi Mitra. "Compared to the virile and potent Shiva, Harold is barely a man. He, like Sue, has only begun to tap into his vast potential for insecurity about his physical appearance."

The multitude of Tantric sexual positions, many of them requiring muscular strength and flexibility, have also inspired mind-blowing sensations of inadequacy in the couple. After several lessons from Yogini Mitra on how to perform the Spinning Top position—in which the woman sits on top of the man and whirls her body around like a wheel on the axis of his Lingam—Sue was unable to clench her Yoni (vagina) tightly enough around Harold's Lingam and fell off, sending her on a mystical journey of deep frustration and self-doubt.

"I thought I was feeling no pleasure before," Sue said, "but I'm now soaring to heights of non-enjoyment I never dreamed possible."

"Susan's psycho-magnetic Yoni waves are barely perceptible," Yogini Mitra said. "By diving into 2,000 years of Indian eroticism, she has enabled her sexual potency to decrease tenfold."

Perhaps the most unfulfilling aspect of Tantric sex for the Robertsons is the concept of Kundalini energy, depicted as an inner fire or snake rising from the sexual organs. By failing to awaken this energy and channel it up their spines, unable to transform it as it rises through the body's chakras en route to a non-explosion in the 32-petaled lotus chakra at the top of the head, the Robertsons achieved a state of ineffable discontentment and complete twoness with the universe.

"Harold and Sue have been wholly unable to raise their Kundalini past their sexual organs," Mitra said. "This, combined with Harold's weak genital muscles that are unable to prolong ejaculation, have resulted in 15-minute marathons of brain-meltingly dissatisfying sex."

"This course has been so eye-opening for me," Sue said. "Our sex life was bad before, but only now do I realize just how much worse it can be."

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