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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Tape Dispensed

PULASKI, TN—A two-inch stretch of 3M Scotch™ adhesive tape was dispensed Monday by a Swingline™ tape dispenser. "I am impressed beyond words by the exemplary performance of this office appliance," said Pulaski-area payroll secretary Julie Glass following the successful tape dispensation. "Less than three seconds after I desired a memorandum affixed to a larger document, the tape was dispensed and the pieces of paper attached to one another. I was barely aware of the dispenser's existence, so smoothly and unobtrusively did it operate."

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