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Target Demographic Growing Up Right Before Wistful Advertiser's Eyes

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
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Target Demographic Growing Up Right Before Wistful Advertiser's Eyes

NEW YORK—Wiping a tear from the corner of his eye Thursday as he reviewed Nielsen ratings and various market performance indicators, advertising executive Mark Gosserman wistfully recalled how his clients’ target demographic of middle-class consumers with disposable income had grown up right before his very eyes. “It seems like just yesterday they were eager 18- to 34-year-olds with robust entertainment and apparel consumption habits who represented over $200 billion per year in direct purchasing power,” the emotional executive said, growing nostalgic as he watched a brand-driven television commercial featuring a celebrity endorser and a contemporary pop song that his target audience used to love. “Now look at them—all grown up and watching 143 hours of television per month. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time to when I was still aggressively marketing mobile devices and energy drinks to them.” Gosserman added that he looked forward to seeing the market segment mature until reaching 50-plus years old, after which his firm would ignore them altogether.

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