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Marketing

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.
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Marketing

Target Demographic Growing Up Right Before Wistful Advertiser's Eyes

NEW YORK—Wiping a tear from the corner of his eye Thursday as he reviewed Nielsen ratings and various market performance indicators, advertising executive Mark Gosserman wistfully recalled how his clients’ target demographic of middle-class consumers with disposable income had grown up right before his very eyes. “It seems like just yesterday they were eager 18- to 34-year-olds with robust entertainment and apparel consumption habits who represented over $200 billion per year in direct purchasing power,” the emotional executive said, growing nostalgic as he watched a brand-driven television commercial featuring a celebrity endorser and a contemporary pop song that his target audience used to love. “Now look at them—all grown up and watching 143 hours of television per month. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time to when I was still aggressively marketing mobile devices and energy drinks to them.” Gosserman added that he looked forward to seeing the market segment mature until reaching 50-plus years old, after which his firm would ignore them altogether.

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Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

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