‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Target ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ Aisle Being Browsed Exclusively By 30-Year-Old Men With Studio Apartments

SAN JOSE, CA—Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments. According to sources, the customers perusing the shelves for stackable storage containers and flimsy particle board coffee tables consisted solely of thirtysomethings living in efficiencies. Reports subsequently confirmed that every one of the individuals placing twin-size bedsheets, compact microwaves, and single matching navy blue towels and washcloths in their carts had graduated from college more than a decade ago. All of the men had, at press time, decided to swing by the food aisle on the way out to stock up on Cup Noodles, including a few who were, in fact, actually closer to 40.

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