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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Target Pulls All Sponsorship From Publicly Ignored Syrian Conflict

MINNEAPOLIS—Retail giant Target announced Monday that, due to a complete lack of public interest or attention in the conflict, the company is ending its sponsorship of the ongoing civil war in Syria. “Unfortunately there just haven’t been enough eyeballs on this brutal crisis in Syria, so we’re officially pulling the plug on our endorsement,” said CEO Gregg Steinhafel, adding that the two-year, $70 million sponsorship deal, which placed Target logos and advertisements on rebel tanks, Bashar al-Assad’s presidential palace, and rubble from bombings in Damascus and Aleppo, would cease immediately. “We thought the global exposure of the mass murders of more than 20,000 innocent civilians and protesters by the Syrian government would be the perfect opportunity to advertise our great deals on Bella kitchen appliances and our stunning new line of Target-exclusive Merona shirts for men and women. But no one really seems to be paying much attention to the civil war at all, so we can no longer justify the investment.” Steinhafel confirmed that, despite the end of the sponsorship deal, the winner of Target’s “Win a Dinner Date with al-Assad” raffle would still receive the prize.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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