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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Target Pulls All Sponsorship From Publicly Ignored Syrian Conflict

MINNEAPOLIS—Retail giant Target announced Monday that, due to a complete lack of public interest or attention in the conflict, the company is ending its sponsorship of the ongoing civil war in Syria. “Unfortunately there just haven’t been enough eyeballs on this brutal crisis in Syria, so we’re officially pulling the plug on our endorsement,” said CEO Gregg Steinhafel, adding that the two-year, $70 million sponsorship deal, which placed Target logos and advertisements on rebel tanks, Bashar al-Assad’s presidential palace, and rubble from bombings in Damascus and Aleppo, would cease immediately. “We thought the global exposure of the mass murders of more than 20,000 innocent civilians and protesters by the Syrian government would be the perfect opportunity to advertise our great deals on Bella kitchen appliances and our stunning new line of Target-exclusive Merona shirts for men and women. But no one really seems to be paying much attention to the civil war at all, so we can no longer justify the investment.” Steinhafel confirmed that, despite the end of the sponsorship deal, the winner of Target’s “Win a Dinner Date with al-Assad” raffle would still receive the prize.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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