adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Taxi Driver Just Taking His Time As If Man Not Late For Color Me Mine Pottery Party

PITTSBURGH—According to sources who don’t see why he can’t just step on the gas and get a move on already, a local taxi driver was apparently just taking his sweet time as if his passenger weren’t 10 goddamned minutes late for a Color Me Mine pottery party. “I told you to take the freeway, man—c’mon, I’m going to be super late,” said passenger Alan Tate to the taxi driver, who either didn’t know or just flat-out didn’t care that the paint-your-own-pottery party that Tate was on his way to was already underway and would likely run out of Midnight Black glaze within minutes. “Please, please, please just hurry up, okay? It’s really important.” At press time, well, there go Tate’s chances of painting an entire bouquet of ceramic Funky Flowers.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close