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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Taxi Driver Just Taking His Time As If Man Not Late For Color Me Mine Pottery Party

PITTSBURGH—According to sources who don’t see why he can’t just step on the gas and get a move on already, a local taxi driver was apparently just taking his sweet time as if his passenger weren’t 10 goddamned minutes late for a Color Me Mine pottery party. “I told you to take the freeway, man—c’mon, I’m going to be super late,” said passenger Alan Tate to the taxi driver, who either didn’t know or just flat-out didn’t care that the paint-your-own-pottery party that Tate was on his way to was already underway and would likely run out of Midnight Black glaze within minutes. “Please, please, please just hurry up, okay? It’s really important.” At press time, well, there go Tate’s chances of painting an entire bouquet of ceramic Funky Flowers.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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