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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Taxi Driver Just Taking His Time As If Man Not Late For Color Me Mine Pottery Party

PITTSBURGH—According to sources who don’t see why he can’t just step on the gas and get a move on already, a local taxi driver was apparently just taking his sweet time as if his passenger weren’t 10 goddamned minutes late for a Color Me Mine pottery party. “I told you to take the freeway, man—c’mon, I’m going to be super late,” said passenger Alan Tate to the taxi driver, who either didn’t know or just flat-out didn’t care that the paint-your-own-pottery party that Tate was on his way to was already underway and would likely run out of Midnight Black glaze within minutes. “Please, please, please just hurry up, okay? It’s really important.” At press time, well, there go Tate’s chances of painting an entire bouquet of ceramic Funky Flowers.

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