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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Taylor Swift Apparently Now Dating 'Garfield' Creator Jim Davis

NEW YORK—Following reports earlier this week of pop star Taylor Swift’s whirlwind romance with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Swift has moved on and is apparently now dating Garfield creator Jim Davis. “Taylor and Jim were first spotted canoodling in a SoHo bar last night, and we were able to confirm today that the two are indeed an item,” Gawker contributor Janice Reynolds wrote of the relationship between the nearly 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the 67-year-old syndicated cartoonist, nicknaming the couple “Tayvis.” “Just this morning, fans took several photos of the lovebirds leaving her Tribeca hotel hand in hand. They’re actually really cute together.” At press time, sources reported seeing the new couple board a private jet that was most likely bound for Davis’ home in Albany, IN.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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