Taylor Swift Mourns Death Of Boyfriend Christopher Dorner

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Taylor Swift Mourns Death Of Boyfriend Christopher Dorner

BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Another of Taylor Swift’s high-profile romances came to an abrupt end Tuesday, sources confirmed, following the death of the recording artist’s boyfriend and fugitive cop killer Christopher Dorner. “Taylor is absolutely heartbroken that her beau Christopher Dorner’s charred remains were found in a mountain cabin after a lengthy shootout with police yesterday,” wrote Radar Online blogger Amanda Snyder of the relationship between the 23-year-old pop-country singer and the 33-year-old quadruple homicide suspect, referring to the couple by their tabloid nickname “Swifner.” “Just two days ago, fans snapped pictures of the snowy lovebirds nuzzling noses on the slopes while vacationing at Bear Mountain Resort. It’s so sad—they were so cute together.” At press time, sources reported that Swift was seen entering Los Angeles Police Department headquarters hand in hand with police chief Charlie Beck.

UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More