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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Taylor Swift Mourns Death Of Boyfriend Christopher Dorner

BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Another of Taylor Swift’s high-profile romances came to an abrupt end Tuesday, sources confirmed, following the death of the recording artist’s boyfriend and fugitive cop killer Christopher Dorner. “Taylor is absolutely heartbroken that her beau Christopher Dorner’s charred remains were found in a mountain cabin after a lengthy shootout with police yesterday,” wrote Radar Online blogger Amanda Snyder of the relationship between the 23-year-old pop-country singer and the 33-year-old quadruple homicide suspect, referring to the couple by their tabloid nickname “Swifner.” “Just two days ago, fans snapped pictures of the snowy lovebirds nuzzling noses on the slopes while vacationing at Bear Mountain Resort. It’s so sad—they were so cute together.” At press time, sources reported that Swift was seen entering Los Angeles Police Department headquarters hand in hand with police chief Charlie Beck.

UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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