adBlockCheck

Taylor Swift Now Dating James Holmes

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Taylor Swift Now Dating James Holmes

CENTENNIAL, CO—Following her split this week with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Taylor Swift has moved on and is now dating mass murder suspect James Holmes. “Taylor and James were first spotted canoodling at a pre-trial hearing, and we were able to confirm today that the two are indeed an item,” gossip blogger Perez Hilton wrote of the relationship between the 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the 25-year-old accused Aurora theater gunman, nicknaming the couple “Swolmes.” “Just this morning, fans took several photos of the lovebirds leaving the Centennial courthouse hand in hand. They’re actually really cute together.” At press time, sources reported seeing the couple heading back to Holmes’ prison cell at Arapahoe County Jail.

More on Taylor Swift's past relationships: Suri Cruise and Garfield creator Jim Davis.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close