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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Taylor Swift Now Dating James Holmes

CENTENNIAL, CO—Following her split this week with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Taylor Swift has moved on and is now dating mass murder suspect James Holmes. “Taylor and James were first spotted canoodling at a pre-trial hearing, and we were able to confirm today that the two are indeed an item,” gossip blogger Perez Hilton wrote of the relationship between the 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the 25-year-old accused Aurora theater gunman, nicknaming the couple “Swolmes.” “Just this morning, fans took several photos of the lovebirds leaving the Centennial courthouse hand in hand. They’re actually really cute together.” At press time, sources reported seeing the couple heading back to Holmes’ prison cell at Arapahoe County Jail.

More on Taylor Swift's past relationships: Suri Cruise and Garfield creator Jim Davis.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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