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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Taylor Swift Now Dating James Holmes

CENTENNIAL, CO—Following her split this week with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Taylor Swift has moved on and is now dating mass murder suspect James Holmes. “Taylor and James were first spotted canoodling at a pre-trial hearing, and we were able to confirm today that the two are indeed an item,” gossip blogger Perez Hilton wrote of the relationship between the 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the 25-year-old accused Aurora theater gunman, nicknaming the couple “Swolmes.” “Just this morning, fans took several photos of the lovebirds leaving the Centennial courthouse hand in hand. They’re actually really cute together.” At press time, sources reported seeing the couple heading back to Holmes’ prison cell at Arapahoe County Jail.

More on Taylor Swift's past relationships: Suri Cruise and Garfield creator Jim Davis.

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