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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Taylor Swift Now Dating Suri Cruise

NEW YORK—Following her recent string of high-profile relationships, including a romance earlier this week with Garfield cartoonist Jim Davis, singer-songwriter Taylor Swift is now dating Suri Cruise, sources confirmed today. “Taylor and Suri were seen grabbing lunch at a Thai restaurant in SoHo earlier this afternoon, and we can confirm that the two are now officially an item,” TMZ reporter Allison Raeber wrote of the budding romance between the 23-year-old pop star and the 6-year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, nicknaming the couple “Saylor.” “Fans spotted the two holding hands on the way out of the restaurant, and Taylor was even seen giving Suri a quick peck on the lips before getting into a car.” At press time, sources reported that Swift had just entered Cruise’s apartment building in downtown Manhattan.

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