Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single ‘Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend’

NEW YORK—In a dramatic break from the singer’s past incarnations, including her more aggressive recent image, Taylor Swift unveiled an even darker persona Friday with the release of her new single, “Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend.” “From the moment we see her chewing the entrails of a bound-and-gagged man wrapped in coils of barbed wire, it’s obvious this is a version of Taylor we definitely haven’t seen before,” said Billboard magazine writer Joseph Wohl in a post analyzing the new song and its accompanying music video, which feature graphic images of self-mutilation, a bass line sampled from a recording of cattle slaughter, and multiple lyrical references to genocide. “In the pre-chorus, when she sings, ‘I’m going to hatefuck you till the worms feast on your eyes,’ it’s not clear if she’s referring to ex-boyfriend Tom Hiddleston, her rival Katy Perry, or her ongoing feud with Kanye West. But it’s obvious from the bursts of industrial noise and mid-song interlude involving an imagined phone call with serial killer John Wayne Gacy that this new Taylor isn’t playing around.” At press time, several music blogs had reportedly criticized the single as overly derivative of artists like Throbbing Gristle and Anal Cunt as well as for appropriating imagery from Pier Pasolini’s film, The 120 Days Of Sodom.

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