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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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TBS Once Again Leads All Networks In Leslie Nielsen Ratings

ATLANTA—For the ninth consecutive year, the Turner Broadcasting System once again leads all broadcast and cable networks in the Leslie Nielsen ratings, according to data released by the Leslie Nielsen Media Research organization Monday. "With repeated broadcasts of such top Nielsen-share draws as Airplane!, The Naked Gun trilogy, and Dracula: Dead And Loving It, TBS once again maintains its forefront in bluff, hapless television," media writer Mark Schaffer said. "Spike TV and USA still maintain their distant second and third place." Over 2,000 households a year are chosen to participate as Nielsen families and receive a bland-looking monitoring unit that blinks affably, falls off the top of the TV at inappropriate moments, and frequently bungles its simple data-transmission tasks.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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