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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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TBS Once Again Leads All Networks In Leslie Nielsen Ratings

ATLANTA—For the ninth consecutive year, the Turner Broadcasting System once again leads all broadcast and cable networks in the Leslie Nielsen ratings, according to data released by the Leslie Nielsen Media Research organization Monday. "With repeated broadcasts of such top Nielsen-share draws as Airplane!, The Naked Gun trilogy, and Dracula: Dead And Loving It, TBS once again maintains its forefront in bluff, hapless television," media writer Mark Schaffer said. "Spike TV and USA still maintain their distant second and third place." Over 2,000 households a year are chosen to participate as Nielsen families and receive a bland-looking monitoring unit that blinks affably, falls off the top of the TV at inappropriate moments, and frequently bungles its simple data-transmission tasks.

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