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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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TBS's Department Of Humor Analysis Fails To Find Humor In Braves Games

ATLANTA—With the Braves recently sinking into last place in the National League East, the TBS network's in-house Department Of Humor Analysis is having difficulty figuring out what is "very funny" about Atlanta Braves baseball. "Being the worst team in their division is a little funny, I suppose," said DHA head analyst John Cleese, who had just finished analyzing several scenes from Dumb And Dumber. "But seeing as how the team combines their dismal won-loss record with a total lack of personality, well, even the famed quantum humorists at our prestigious Department Of Humor Analysis can't find anything funny about that." Cleese added that, even if their season continues to go poorly or they find some miraculous way to win, the depression or euphoria that would inevitably follow might be better suited for broadcast on TNT, which claims to "know drama."

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