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James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

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Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In Exchange For Malia Obama

Tea Party leaders call for the deliverance of the firstborn.
Tea Party leaders call for the deliverance of the firstborn.

WASHINGTON—As the federal government shutdown stretches into its fourth day, 20 members of the Republican’s Tea Party faction announced this morning they would be willing to support a clean budget resolution bill in exchange for the president’s firstborn daughter, Malia Obama.

While members of the Republican Party’s far-right wing have heretofore been resistant to any sort of deal with the White House over the issue of Obamacare, the Tea Party caucus authored and released a short, tersely worded statement this morning in which they agreed to a swift negotiation of an unstipulated spending bill if the president were to deliver “the firstling.”

“The girl. Bring us the girl,” said Congressman Steve King (R-IA) as he stood beside fellow Tea Party leaders during this morning’s press conference on the steps of the Capitol. “The bill may pass, but the firstborn shall be ours.”

“Heed our bidding,” added an unblinking Phil Gingrey (R-GA). “And thy wish shall be granted.”

According to Washington insiders, the deal would reportedly feature a continuing resolution to fund government operations through November 15 without any modifications to the Affordable Care Act passed in 2010, including implementation of the individual mandate and the much-maligned tax on medical devices, while Malia Obama would legally fall under the protectorship of the Tea Party caucus.

White House officials have declined to comment.

According to Congressional aides, if the White House agrees to deliver Malia, as well as a pint of Michelle Obama’s blood, a ram’s horn, and a shard of obsidian to the basement of the Cannon House Office Building by this evening, a House vote on the bill could take place as early as Saturday.

“Obamacare may be a scourge, but lo, our eyes are cast upon matters of greater import,” explained Tea Party Republican Justin Amash of Michigan’s third district. “Preparations must be made. The hour is nigh.”

While some political analysts argued the surprise announcement suggests a weakening in resolve of the faction, opening the door for further movement on their stance, several Republican staffers have already indicated that the caucus will not negotiate on their declared terms and that any attempts to substitute Sasha for Malia will be fruitless.

“It must be Malia,” stated Mick Mulvaney (R-SC). “First of birth. First of blood. First of the reckoning.”

Experts added that in addition to limiting the damage of the current government shutdown, the deal could also avoid a protracted and dangerous battle over raising the nation’s debt ceiling in the coming weeks if members of the Tea Party determine Malia has fulfilled the prophecy.

“The Tea Party has spoken,” said Georgetown professor of political science Richard Drape. “The deal has been wrought. All bear witness to the fruits of the Great Compromise, for it is with us.”

At press time, a teary-eyed Michelle Obama was informing Malia that she will always love her.

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