adBlockCheck

Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In Exchange For Malia Obama

Top Headlines

Politics

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In Exchange For Malia Obama

Tea Party leaders call for the deliverance of the firstborn.
Tea Party leaders call for the deliverance of the firstborn.

WASHINGTON—As the federal government shutdown stretches into its fourth day, 20 members of the Republican’s Tea Party faction announced this morning they would be willing to support a clean budget resolution bill in exchange for the president’s firstborn daughter, Malia Obama.

While members of the Republican Party’s far-right wing have heretofore been resistant to any sort of deal with the White House over the issue of Obamacare, the Tea Party caucus authored and released a short, tersely worded statement this morning in which they agreed to a swift negotiation of an unstipulated spending bill if the president were to deliver “the firstling.”

“The girl. Bring us the girl,” said Congressman Steve King (R-IA) as he stood beside fellow Tea Party leaders during this morning’s press conference on the steps of the Capitol. “The bill may pass, but the firstborn shall be ours.”

“Heed our bidding,” added an unblinking Phil Gingrey (R-GA). “And thy wish shall be granted.”

According to Washington insiders, the deal would reportedly feature a continuing resolution to fund government operations through November 15 without any modifications to the Affordable Care Act passed in 2010, including implementation of the individual mandate and the much-maligned tax on medical devices, while Malia Obama would legally fall under the protectorship of the Tea Party caucus.

White House officials have declined to comment.

According to Congressional aides, if the White House agrees to deliver Malia, as well as a pint of Michelle Obama’s blood, a ram’s horn, and a shard of obsidian to the basement of the Cannon House Office Building by this evening, a House vote on the bill could take place as early as Saturday.

“Obamacare may be a scourge, but lo, our eyes are cast upon matters of greater import,” explained Tea Party Republican Justin Amash of Michigan’s third district. “Preparations must be made. The hour is nigh.”

While some political analysts argued the surprise announcement suggests a weakening in resolve of the faction, opening the door for further movement on their stance, several Republican staffers have already indicated that the caucus will not negotiate on their declared terms and that any attempts to substitute Sasha for Malia will be fruitless.

“It must be Malia,” stated Mick Mulvaney (R-SC). “First of birth. First of blood. First of the reckoning.”

Experts added that in addition to limiting the damage of the current government shutdown, the deal could also avoid a protracted and dangerous battle over raising the nation’s debt ceiling in the coming weeks if members of the Tea Party determine Malia has fulfilled the prophecy.

“The Tea Party has spoken,” said Georgetown professor of political science Richard Drape. “The deal has been wrought. All bear witness to the fruits of the Great Compromise, for it is with us.”

At press time, a teary-eyed Michelle Obama was informing Malia that she will always love her.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close