adBlockCheck

Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In Exchange For Malia Obama

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In Exchange For Malia Obama

Tea Party leaders call for the deliverance of the firstborn.
Tea Party leaders call for the deliverance of the firstborn.

WASHINGTON—As the federal government shutdown stretches into its fourth day, 20 members of the Republican’s Tea Party faction announced this morning they would be willing to support a clean budget resolution bill in exchange for the president’s firstborn daughter, Malia Obama.

While members of the Republican Party’s far-right wing have heretofore been resistant to any sort of deal with the White House over the issue of Obamacare, the Tea Party caucus authored and released a short, tersely worded statement this morning in which they agreed to a swift negotiation of an unstipulated spending bill if the president were to deliver “the firstling.”

“The girl. Bring us the girl,” said Congressman Steve King (R-IA) as he stood beside fellow Tea Party leaders during this morning’s press conference on the steps of the Capitol. “The bill may pass, but the firstborn shall be ours.”

“Heed our bidding,” added an unblinking Phil Gingrey (R-GA). “And thy wish shall be granted.”

According to Washington insiders, the deal would reportedly feature a continuing resolution to fund government operations through November 15 without any modifications to the Affordable Care Act passed in 2010, including implementation of the individual mandate and the much-maligned tax on medical devices, while Malia Obama would legally fall under the protectorship of the Tea Party caucus.

White House officials have declined to comment.

According to Congressional aides, if the White House agrees to deliver Malia, as well as a pint of Michelle Obama’s blood, a ram’s horn, and a shard of obsidian to the basement of the Cannon House Office Building by this evening, a House vote on the bill could take place as early as Saturday.

“Obamacare may be a scourge, but lo, our eyes are cast upon matters of greater import,” explained Tea Party Republican Justin Amash of Michigan’s third district. “Preparations must be made. The hour is nigh.”

While some political analysts argued the surprise announcement suggests a weakening in resolve of the faction, opening the door for further movement on their stance, several Republican staffers have already indicated that the caucus will not negotiate on their declared terms and that any attempts to substitute Sasha for Malia will be fruitless.

“It must be Malia,” stated Mick Mulvaney (R-SC). “First of birth. First of blood. First of the reckoning.”

Experts added that in addition to limiting the damage of the current government shutdown, the deal could also avoid a protracted and dangerous battle over raising the nation’s debt ceiling in the coming weeks if members of the Tea Party determine Malia has fulfilled the prophecy.

“The Tea Party has spoken,” said Georgetown professor of political science Richard Drape. “The deal has been wrought. All bear witness to the fruits of the Great Compromise, for it is with us.”

At press time, a teary-eyed Michelle Obama was informing Malia that she will always love her.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close