After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Teacher Asks Students To Split Into 2 Groups To Simulate Ideal Class Size

GREENSBORO, NC—Hoping that a hands-on demonstration would help students grasp the concept, local teacher Rachel McKenzie reportedly instructed her class of 38 fourth-graders Wednesday to divide into two groups in order to simulate the conditions of an ideal class size. “Now, I want everyone whose names begin with A through L to split off into a group that I could teach quite effectively, and everyone else to form a group that I could supervise easily without spending all day dealing with disciplinary issues,” said McKenzie, urging the two groups to use their imaginations to pretend they were receiving the proper amount of individual attention.“I know this is an unusual idea that may be hard to fully understand, but I’d like everyone to try envisioning a class half our current size where I’d be able to adequately identify student needs, monitor progress, and cover far more material during the year.” At press time, McKenzie sent four children into the hall in order to reach the perfect simulated student-teacher ratio.

After Birth

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