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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Teacher Grading Papers Next To You On Plane Not Pulling Any Punches

ABOVE CONCORDIA, KS—Her pen mercilessly slashing its way through a stack of handwritten pages, the middle school English teacher grading papers next to you on your flight from Los Angeles to Cleveland sure isn’t pulling any punches, sources confirmed Friday. “Man, she’s really letting those kids have it, isn’t she?” you reportedly thought to yourself while watching the teacher, who is holding nothing back as she fills page after page with red ink, crosses out entire paragraphs and aggressively marks several sentences “unnecessary” or “confusing.” “C plus, B minus, D minus—this woman is not fucking around. These are 12-year-olds writing papers on Abraham Lincoln, for God’s sake. You’d think she’d just be glad they turned in something halfway readable.” At press time, sources confirmed that Joey Caldwell from third period was getting torn a new asshole.

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