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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Teacher Just Hopes They Never Google Him

KETTERING, OH—After completing his first day at Fairmont High School on Tuesday, history teacher Ted Wilkinson reportedly spent most of the evening desperately praying that none of his new students ever feel inclined to Google him. "No doubt about it, if one of them decides to look me up, that's all she wrote," said Wilkinson, noting that the consequences might be even worse if anyone thought to run a Google image search on him, "God forbid with the SafeSearch filter turned off." "I mean, they wouldn't, right? Why would any of those kids bother Googling me? There's no reason to think they would." Sources confirmed a panicking Wilkinson later updated his résumé after realizing that when you type his name into Google, it's the first result.

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